Birthday Blues
When I said I wanted to be alone on my birthday, I didn't mean this...
Tomorrow I turn 38. It’s not a significant birthday other than it feels *thisclose* to 40, and that comes with a whole slew of things to overthink about.
For the most part, this past year has certainly been something to celebrate. I got to go to set to produce my episode. I had 2 episodes of TV air this year— one on a major network, the other on a major show with a fancy credit sequence. I was *thisclose* to getting staffed again. My kid started kindergarten and learned to swim. I’ve been setting boundaries. Focusing on friendships. Dipping my toe back into dating. Hell, I met my celebrity crush— That alone, would be a huge accomplishment in any other year.
But, this is also the year I’ll forever associate with the strike. The strike that has now lasted 120+ days and counting during the hottest summer on record. I stepped up as a captain. I stepped up again and started a strike fund that has now sent 1400 grants and raised $167,000. The fund has grown into something I could’ve never imagined, and I am so grateful. And as a result I’ve grown into something I’ve always imagined, but never thought possible: A leader; someone who inspires.
These are badges that make me both very uncomfortable and even writing them makes me feel like I should undercut it with a joke to display some humility— but it’s true. My goal this year was “to share my light with the world.” When I wrote that back in January, I don’t think I knew what that meant to how to make it happen, and yet… listing some of what I’ve accomplished so far this year, I think I’ve accomplished exactly that.
Sharing your light comes at a price, though. The amount of energy that goes into single-parenting, writing, being a strike captain, and running a fund is a lot. Too much. Thankfully I know when to take breaks and have amazing practices (meditation, movement, journaling, gratitude) to restore my energy. I have been running on fumes and exhausting for months, though. A few weeks ago when someone asked what I wanted to do for my birthday this year, I responded: I just want to be left alone.
I should’ve been more specific with the universe, however. Unfortunately, I’m now getting that wish in the form of a mild case of Covid and not the Catalina trip that I meticulously planned and paid for. I’ll take another covid test today and if it’s still positive, I’ll have to cancel my birthday trip which means losing $300 deposit or $1500 if they decide to be assholes and not refund it. Money I can’t afford to lose in the middle of a g-d damn strike! And who wants to spend their birthday alone in their house instead of on a freaking island with their kid?! Yeah, I’m a little frustrated.
In the words of Rolling Stone, we “can’t always get what we want” but we do “get what we need.” I wanted alone time and rest, and I’m getting it.