Caught Up in You: Chapter 10

Linger

Cassie’s fingers flittered across her phone as she attempted to respond to Ethan’s text one-handed, while lighting another cigarette with the other. Her third cigarette, to be exact. Finally, after she cursed her lack of finger dexterity, she put down the phone so she could properly light up. It felt symbolic of her relationship with Ethan. She’d always choose a cigarette over him, as harsh as that was.

Cassie had a strange relationship with nicotine. She’d never smoked a drag in her life until she was a senior in college. Like most bad habits of hers, it was something she picked up from Gabe. She wasn’t sure when he had started smoking— it had been something they both abhorred in High School, even going to great and ridiculous lengths to loudly cough when they walked past the stoners who littered the lawn of their campus. Sometime during college he began to smoke Parliaments. She had a sinking suspicion that cigarettes fueled his coke binges, or maybe it was the other way around. She couldn’t stand the smell, but she wasn’t nearly as vocal about it as Ethan and Mark were. Mark began to bring a can of Febreze to their rehearsals. Ethan didn’t need another excuse to loathe Gabriel, but this provided one. Anytime Cassie thinks about what could’ve been between her and Ethan, she immediately remembers how much he can’t stand cigarettes and she’s reassured they would’ve never worked out as a couple. Scott didn’t mind them as much. In the first year they dated, he would even steal some drags from her when he was drunk enough. Now, he didn’t say anything when she went outside to indulge. He did draw the line at smoking indoors, though. Sometimes when he was away for work, Cassie would indulge and smoke in the tub. She’d have the windows open the rest of the day to get rid of the smoke. He never said anything, so she didn’t think he noticed. She liked having some secrets.

The first time Cassie tried a cigarette had been after one of “Pretty Whiskey’s” shows. Gabe and her were on a break and she was looking for a way to create intimacy between them. What better way than to poison themselves together? He looked surprised, even a little amused as she asked for one, but he happily obliged. He made fun of her for holding it incorrectly, but didn’t laugh when she coughed. And her plan worked… they went home together that night. By the time they shared a post-coital cigarette in his studio apartment, Cassie was hooked. Not just on nicotine, but on Gabe, once again. She was eventually able to kick her Gabriel habit, but cigarettes had been tougher. Anytime she was feeling down or drunk or whatever, she’d buy a pack. But, she didn’t consider herself a smoker. She could go weeks, months, even a couple years without lighting up. Granted, it had been a few years since she could make that claim.

When she was alone and smoking, she could construct entire worlds in her head. Conversations from the past, present, and future bounced around in her brain. She thought back to that night she had her first cigarette and how she felt so safe and happy and warm being back in Gabe’s embrace. She liked to replay that memory in her head over and over like an old film. Only this film was being projected in a dark and creepy basement, where the images got distorted over time.

At the time, Cassie had no idea that night would leave a lasting impact on her life. The cigarettes being the least of it. She remembered going to sleep, still feeling buzzed from the alcohol and her throat feeling as dry as the desert from the combination of weed, cigarettes, and giving what felt like an hourlong blow job. They had amazing sex, which was also the result of the alcohol, weed, and hourlong blow job. They didn’t use protection, but that was normal for them, and Cassie was on the pill. After they collapsed in the sheets and into each other, Cassie felt Gabriel disentangle himself from her to do another line of coke. She wasn’t annoyed that he was doing it, but was more annoyed he didn’t invite her. But, she supposed trying cigarettes and coke in the same night would be pushing it.

A few minutes (or maybe it had been a few hours) later, Cassie felt him return to bed. He held her in his arms and kissed the back of her head. He thought she was asleep and that filled her heart with so much joy that he would still kiss her despite her lack of consciousness. They both slept well that night.

The next morning (or maybe it was the next afternoon by the time they got up), they both had a craving for frozen yogurt, so they made the three-block trek to their local fro-yo place. Frozen dairy treats had always held a special place in their relationship. They first met as ten-year-olds at their local Dairy Queen and had marveled over the hardened chocolate shell. Whenever one of them was dealing with a heartbreak, the other would show up with a Wendy’s Frosty. And their first official “date” (if you could call it that) has been at a Shaved Ice place where they laughed about all the double entendres on the menu. As they sat on the bench outside of the fro-yo shop and smoked cigarettes in between frozen creamy mouthfuls of swirled goodness, Gabriel looked up at her with his big brown eyes and asked if she wanted to give “this a real go.”

“This?”

“Us,” he explained, “Like make it official.”

“Are you serious?” After all this time, Cassie couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. She felt a lot of things, but joy wasn’t one of them. Confusion, yes. Surprise, naturally. Happiness, sure. But pure joy at having Gabriel Luna finally ask her to be his girlfriend? That didn’t come.

Which is why Cassie responded with a shrug and a “sure.”

She knew it wasn’t the response he was looking for. She could see the hurt in his eyes. But, that was the only response she could muster.

For the remaining months of their Senior year, not much changed between Cassie and Gabe. They were both certain the other wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, and they were more affectionate in public, but it was as though their conversation over Fro-Yo never took place at all. And yet, Cassie felt herself falling in love with him again. But, this time it had been stripped of its’ innocence like the love they had during High School. Neither one needed saving from their chaotic home lives anymore. They could simply be together. And much like high school, Gabriel tucked away his drug habit for a little while. Sure, he still smoked pot nearly every day (but so did Cassie and Ethan and Mark, although it was always hard to tell if Mark was stoned or if he was just being Mark). And if there was coke at a party, Gabe couldn’t help himself. But at least now he had Cassie to safely drive him home. She had always been his anchor and it was a role she cherished.

Graduation came quickly and Cassie and Gabe’s families threw them a joint party. Everyone kept asking about what was next. Cassie was pretty much decided on L.A. at that point, and Gabe agreed it was probably the best move for their burgeoning music career. He wasn’t thrilled that Ethan was part of the L.A. plan, especially since the band had all but broken up at that point (Mark thought playing in a band past college was childish, a theory he was quite adamant about and created resentment amongst the rest of the band). But, Gabriel wanted a life with music and especially with Cassie so Los Angeles seemed like a logical step.

Cassie and Ethan spent hours scouring away at 2-bedroom apartment listings. Ethan could at least agree that sharing a 2-bedroom apartment 3-ways would be wise, even if it meant living with Gabe. But, with his drug problem under control, and Cassie’s happiness radiating over all of them like a brilliant ray of sunshine, Ethan actually found that Gabe wasn’t half bad anymore.

They decided to put a security deposit on a place that looked affordable, spacious, had a jacuzzi on the premise, and a garage to store all their equipment. As the three of them trekked to the bank to get their money order, Cassie finally let herself breathe. Blame it on her upbringing, but things never felt official to Cassie until money came into play. If you were willing to part with your cold-hard cash, that must really mean something. She and Gabe held hands the entire time they were in line at the bank.

Afterwards, the three of them (with Mark begrudgingly dragging along) went out to drinks to celebrate. Gabe and Cassie sat close together in a booth as Ethan (successfully) and Mark (unsuccessfully) tried to pick up girls. Cassie and Gabe sipped their cocktails slowly, not looking to get wasted for once, but simply enjoying each other’s company and the promise the new apartment held.

Over the roaring music and barely lit room, Gabriel turned to Cassie and said the three words she’d been longing to hear escape his lips from the time they were ten. “I love you.”

At first she didn’t think she heard him properly, so she innocently flashed her best schoolgirl smile and said, “what?”

“Cassie Green. I’m in love with you.” There was no mistaking it that time.

Cassie thought she would float from the booth and into the heavens. The unfiltered joy coursed through her veins stronger than any drug or adrenaline ever had. She felt weightless, invincible, powerful. She repeated the words back to him. He smiled. A genuine, full-toothed Gabriel Luna smile. And then Cassie felt like she was going to throw up.

It came on so suddenly, she felt dizzy in addition to nauseous. And she knew she wasn’t wasted. She’d been nursing the same drink all night. She chalked it up to love or bad wings or a combination of the two. But, she wasn’t going to let a sudden bout of queasiness ruin her perfect night. She could finally let her guard down with Gabriel. For real this time.

That should’ve been her first indication that something was amiss.

The next two weeks were a blur between the move and realizing she graduated and trying to find a job and everything else that occupies the mind of a young college grad. She didn’t think anything was wrong when she hadn’t seen Gabe in a few days; he was most likely in the same whirlwind she was experiencing. But when texts and phone calls went unanswered, Cassie felt the ground drop from under her.

She went to Gabe’s apartment with a steely resolve. They were supposed to leave in two days for L.A. She half-expected to find him passed out from a bad drug trip. Little did she know that him using would’ve been far better to what she did find: An empty apartment.

In a rage of panic and confusion, Cassie went to the manager’s apartment and pounded on the door. She was familiar with the manager because he was the one who often went to Gabe’s apartment to tell him to keep the racket down. Cassie also had to go there a few times when Gabe was late on rent because he blew all of his cash on drugs.

The hobbit of a man opened the door a crack, trying to adjust to the light outside his dark apartment. There was no spark of recognition on his face, but Cassie didn’t care. She demanded to know where Gabe went. She hoped he had simply packed everything up and was staying at his parents’ place for a few days before the big move. But she knew better than that.

“307?” the manager asked as he adjusted the way-too-prominent bulge in his sweatpants. “He moved out last week.”

“Did he say where he was going?”

“How the hell am I supposed to know?”

Cassie stomped away without a second glance. She took out her phone and called the only person she could think of: his mother. Gabriel’s mother had never liked Cassie, but to be fair, she never really liked anyone. But, Cassie was blamed for all of Gabriel’s bad habits. Cassie was willing to play the villain role, if that meant she got to have Gabe. And as they got older, Gabe began to crawl under the shadow his mother cast over him, so Cassie being the villain only made her that much more exciting to him.

After two rings, Sylvia answered.

“Hi, Sylvia, it’s Cassie.” No response. “Cassie Green, Gabe’s girlfriend,” she tried.

“Ah, yes.”

“I’m wondering if you know where Gabriel is.”

Cassie could hear the joy in Sylvia’s voice as she said, “He boarded a plane for New York this morning. Apparently he found a really good deal on a studio apartment.”

***

The sound of Cassie’s phone ringing startled her out of the memory. She squashed out her cigarette and answered her phone without looking. She knew Ethan would be pissed or worried for not answering his texts. Once he was on a tear, you couldn’t stop him.

“Sorry! I was caught up in something. Aren’t you supposed to be packing?”

“I’m glad to know you haven’t changed your number.”

It was Gabe.

Cassie nearly dropped her phone on the concrete steps in utter shock.