Hello Again
Things have been all over the place since we last checked in
Sometimes before a session, I tell my therapist: “'I’m sorry, this is going to be all over the place.” That’s because there’s often SO much that has happened in between sessions, that I feel like that’s the only way I can fit it all in— by jumping all over the damn place. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been unable to write a post, despite having it on my to-do list every week. I’ve felt like I’ve had both too much to say, and nothing worth saying. I’ve been “all. over. the. place.” But I miss writing these posts, so here we go. Strap in, loves.
The first post I was going to write since we last left off was how it feels to receive a standing ovation. Spoiler alert: overwhelming. You know what else is overwhelming? A strike being over suddenly after five months. Also in the overwhelming category: being flung back into the job hunt. I would also say realizing how much I’ve grown and changed in this past year would also qualify as “overwhelming.” So, I guess if I had to sum up the past six weeks, the word “overwhelming” seems to be at the forefront.
A lot of people seem to be in this position post-strike and current-war. Our bodies and brains are so exhausted from the months of fight-or-flight, that when we finally slow down enough to catch our breaths, it then becomes too much to process (which then creates a different kind of overwhelm and exhaustion). How do we sustain this? The short answer is: we don’t.
Sometimes burn-out comes in starts and stops. It can be bandaged, rested for a minute, and you move on. But sometimes burn-out knocks you on your ass completely. I think I experienced both kinds of burn-out in the past several weeks. There’s been a lot of naps and isolation, but there’s also been bursts of creativity, meetings, and slivers of hope. I’ve been told I’m doing a good job taking care of myself. My therapist tells me constantly how proud she is, while my psychiatrist tells me she wishes she can do more for me. I don’t know how this makes me feel, but I do know I think about it a lot.
Sometimes I don’t recognize when I’m experiencing burn-out, only when I’m out of it again. It’s like the fog lifts and my energy is back. So, hello again. I hope you’ve been doing okay, too.