When a "Reset" Reminds You Who the F*ck You Are
this is your reminder to slow down
Things have been, “go, go, go” for the past several weeks and amidst all the holiday parties (and germs that come from said parties), I was determined to take it easy last night, and today— the one day I’ve had nothing on my calendar, including anything child-related (who is at his dad’s) since mid-November.
I picked up food from my favorite walkable restaurant, I had an hour and a half phone date with my bestie, and I took some Melatonin to ensure a full night’s sleep.
Lucky for me, I did get a full night’s sleep— filled with very visual dreams of my ex-husband, my career, and one particular actress that is friends with a good friend of mine and happened to be there the night my ex-husband and I became official— a detail that will be significant shortly. I also woke up with a pounding headache and an excuse to skip pilates.
As I reached for my phone to text my pilates instructor, I noticed I had received a text from a significant person in my life with a picture of my celebrity crush, the world’s celebrity crush, and the same actress who is a friend of a friend and played a role in my dream last night. (Super sleuths: It was a panel for a popular Apple+ comedy). The synchronicity of the moment was enough for me to take stock and acknowledge it was going to be “one of those days.”
Cut to a few hours later when I finally dragged myself out of bed, sort of dreading the vastness of the day. It’s one thing to say you don’t have plans, it’s another to be a productive virgo and actually stick to having no plans. I decided to do the thing that brings me the most comfort and grounding— I went for a long walk with my dog, with no destination, and a killer playlist.
The first song that came on was “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys. If you’re around my age, then you can relate to the fresh nostalgia hit of imagining Uncle Jesse performing with the Beach Boys during the Hawaii episode of Full House. This is going to be a good walk, I thought to myself.
The next song that came on was “PYT". Say what you will about Michael Jackson, but this is a banger of a song. Plus, I’d recently watched an old clip of Quincy Jones and Rashida Jones singing this one together, and it was very sweet. As my dog and I crossed into the park, I was stepping along to the beat and feeling myself. I may be 39, under-employed, and technically single, but I’m still a pretty young thing, I reminded myself.
Another MJ banger, “Man in the Mirror” came on, and this time the nostalgia factor mixed with the build-up of the song became a cathartic moment. I was practically strutting down the street as I bopped along to, “If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change…” realizing I am that person. I always have been, and always will be.
And then a detail from my dream came back to me in full-force— the friend of a friend actress who was not at my wedding had said to me, “I mean, even your ex-husband wrote in his vows what a good person you are and how you’ll always buy groceries for people, and that was way before the fund.” (This is true, in my ex-husband’s vows— so take with a grain of salt, he did say how I am the kind of person who will buy another person’s groceries if they don’t have enough, which is pretty ironic, don’t you think?!). But again, the synchronicity of the moment was enough to give me goosebumps as I was practically moon-walking to classing 90s MJ. Even when things don’t seem great, there will always be reminders that things will at least be okay.
During Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend,” I heard a car’s tires screech as my dog and I approached the cross-walk. I looked up to see someone from my recent-past who decided to stop talking to me for reasons that are still unclear. I smiled and waved, laughing at the sheer coincidence of running into this person in this way as this particular song was playing. She gave a curt wave and drove off quickly. Another moment— this one less empowering, but serving as a reminder that things are exactly the way they’re supposed to be right now.
By the time James Browns’ “Get Up Offa That Thing” came on, the streets of Burbank were my runway. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling like myself again, not the over-worked, under-paid, and under-appreciated version I’d been feeling for most of this year.
There are two things I know to be true: modern parenting is hard and nearly impossible without help, and having a career in Hollywood is hard and nearly impossible without help. Being able to do both of these things is HARD, and nearly impossible; some might call it miraculous. But you can say the same thing about overcoming childhood obstacles and trauma, starting a successful mutual aid fund in the middle of a strike, and putting on a professional talent show for elementary school students with no budget and limited resources. That’s just who I am, baby. I make things happen.
The final song that played as I walked into my complex was “You Sexy Thing,” which besides its’ lyrics provides the ultimate feel-good beat. Do I believe in miracles? Yes, I sure do… especially when you allow space for them during a reset.
Hope everyone is surviving the holiday season. This time of year creates a strange polarity of wanting to slow down, while also being plummeted with deadlines and endless to-do’s. I hope this can serve as a reminder to slow down and find your version of a reset.