You Can't Always Get What You Want
hopefully next week is less chaotic -my therapist
Yes, my therapist really did sign off our session with a version of that sentiment. My dear friend also said something along the lines of, “Oooph, every time I talk to you there’s a lot going on.” It’s true, my life does have A LOT going on— my favorite way to describe myself is an “order muppet who surrounds herself with chaos muppets.” This week was no exception.
Not counting all the usual chaos that makes up life in the year 2024, plans got diverted this week and I found myself with multiple days off without a deadline. This entire year (and the year before, and the year before that) and maybe every year since 2020 has felt like an intense ongoing case of fight or flight. It’s been “go” “go” “go” with such fervor, that I wondered if I was even capable of taking a break. I’m talking about a genuine break where you feel rested and not just pretend to be rested.
I resent the fact that we have to feel like we deserve a break in order to take one. The problem with this thinking is that you never feel deserving, even when you are. So despite the thousand “what ifs” that were swirling in my head, I did what I haven’t done for years: I made no plans.
The first day of “vacation” my son asked to go to the zoo. Our membership lapsed and it was going to be ninety degrees, but I tried not to worry about that. “Sure, let’s go!” I said carefree, and then put on a Hawaiian shirt to act the part.
We drove to the zoo, renewed our membership, and then spent the next several hours walking around and commenting on how the animals were probably just as hot as we were. In between shade and water breaks (for us and the animals), we had a great time chatting and just being together. It was a genuinely fun afternoon that didn’t have a single accomplishment attached to it.
As we were walking back to the car, my son wanted kettle corn, but I had my eyes set on ice cream. There were only a few people ahead of us at the sweet shack (unfortunately two of them were the worst kinds of moms who let their kids run around like a pack of well… wild monkeys, while the moms were ignoring them to discuss whether or not their husbands should purchase them small yachts or another all-inclusive trip to Hawaii… but I digress).
My son leaned into me and thanked me for the fun day. I kissed the top of his sweaty head, as one of the moms finally reached the front of the line and decided now was the best time to ask her pack of children what they wanted (not while they were waiting and having the important boat conversation).
The line behind us had grown significantly, and I noticed a young woman all the way in the back who looked distressed. She was chatting to someone else in line about how all she wanted was to get popcorn for one of the kids who had a nose bleed and this was the closest spot, … all I heard was the worry in her voice and I knew I’d want this person watching my sweet son who didn’t mind waiting in this line for me to get ice cream.
I turned back to the woman and asked if she wanted to go in front of me.
“Are you sure?”
“If you’re just getting popcorn for the kid, absolutely.”
Relief washed over her face as she came to the front. At this point, the aforementioned little girl and another counselor approached, out of breath.
“How’d you get to the front so fast?” the other counselor asked.
The woman motioned to me. “This woman heard the situation and let us go in front.”
The other counselor looked over. “That was so nice, thank you so much.”
I nodded. “Sure.”
The woman ordered, then looked back at me. “Thank you again, seriously, bless you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I leaned into my kid. “You sure you don’t want ice cream?”
“Yeah, I’ll get some ice cream. Is that okay?”
“We’re on vacation. Of course.”
He was quiet for a minute. “Hey Mommy, you’re a really kind person, you know that?”
I kissed his little head. “Yeah.”
We got our ice cream and left. He didn’t end up getting his kettle corn, after all, but we both got a sweet memory that I know will last a lifetime (for me, at least).
Last night I took him to the Hollywood Bowl for the first time. It’s one of my favorite places and things to do in L.A., so it was very special to share the experience with him. And you know what Hollywood Bowl sells? Kettle Corn.
It was a chaotic week with a lot going on, but it was also a really good and joyful one, too.
Keep looking for those breaks and moments of joy, friends.