Go Sit by the Window

a rumination on growing up with asthma and anxiety

“Go sit by the window,” was a common refrain from my childhood. It seemed to be my mother’s favorite solution anytime I was struggling for breath— which unfortunately was quite often as a kid.

I was officially diagnosed with asthma when I was three. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with having an anxiety disorder until my 30s. Both conditions have been prevalent for most of my life.

My childhood was filled with frequent trips to the doctor’s office, a breathing machine that was loud, but allowed for some personal peace and quiet (and the ability to breathe, obviously), and a readily available excuse to not run the mile during P.E.. Having asthma felt limiting and terrifying.

As I got older, especially after becoming a competitive cheerleader¹ , my asthma improved, along with my confidence. I didn’t feel tethered to my breathing machine or my limitations— I was literally flying, and free.

I’ve had asthma blips here and there during adulthood. Anytime there’s a wildfire or a respiratory virus, my asthma symptoms worsen. There was also the time I decided to foster a cat, despite my allergies, and I wasn’t allowed to be released from the hospital until the cat found another place to stay. But, my asthma has mainly been medically "under control.

My anxiety on the other hand has had a completely different trajectory. I’ve always been an anxious kid. It was one of my defining personality traits, but, I was also part of student council, the newspaper and yearbook committees, a cheerleader, an actress, outgoing, popular(ish), a good student, and of course a GATE kid. I’ve now come to understand my overachieving and people-pleasing were a form of masking for something else, as many eldest and gifted daughters have also discovered.

Much like my childhood asthma, adult anxiety feels very isolating. For me, it’s like seeing a part of your life that you want to take part of, but just can’t. It can be like watching my life flash by while I sit on the outside, observing.

This past week, both my anxiety and asthma reached a fever-pitch. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with a racing heart, and grasp desperately for my inhaler. My breathing would improve slightly, but I couldn’t get back to sleep.

“Go sit by the window,” I’d remember my mom saying to me. I opened my balcony door to let the cool, spring evening breeze in. Memories of my childhood, sitting by my family’s sliding glass door, urging my breath to slow, flooded over me. A new thought struck me: was the window a reprieve for my asthma or anxiety or both? Did it even matter, if it was providing a solace now? I don’t think so.

Anxiety and asthma can shroud me like a dark and heavy coat. Sitting by the window reminds me that these difficulties don’t have to feel so burdensome. No matter what, I can always return to the breath. And I do… time and time again.

Life is hard right now for everyone in a variety of ways. Whatever your personal obstacles are, let this be your reminder to breathe. “Go sit by the window.”

1. AKA, an athlete